Whilst listening to Obama’s speech on call-out culture recently, I was struck by his underlying message about kindness and the need to consider the feelings of others. While social media is on the rise, compassion is on the decrease. Insecurities and flaws aren’t allowed to be advertised because having bumpy skin isn’t good for business, earning a small salary isn’t glamorous and biting your nails instead of having perfectly manicured cuticles is a symbol of instability. The competitiveness bred by social media has created a lens through which we define people in a two dimensional way by one or two characteristics. Rather than viewing our friends, family, inspirations in a multi-dimensional way as all of the attributes they possess, kind yet grumpy in the morning, fun but sometimes too loud, compassionate but occasionally selfish, we’ve begun to see people as two-dimensional beings defined by one or two traits.

If you think about any one of your friends or family members right now, a number of positive verbs would probably come to mind. For each one of them, there are positive traits that you recognise in them because they are traits you yourself value in other people.

However, when we think about the people we don’t like, we have a tendency to define them by one action or one verb. X did this and therefore, they are nasty. Y acted in this way and therefore, they are selfish. It is easy to characterise and demonise people by a single verb, making them a two-dimensional person, defined by one specific trait. A trait that suggests a person has no depth, no complexities, no backstory. One defining characteristic that will inform their personality for the whole of their life to suggest they are incapable of change, or a view they hold which must mean they have one particular identity.

However, what if we started to view people in a more three-dimensional way with all of their parts? What if we recognised that someone who may have hurt us is still capable of kindness? That someone who can act in a selfish way still may have good intentions at heart? That someone who might say horrible things behind someone’s back can still be really fun to be around or a really good friend to others in a different way?

The same works the other way around. Obama stated: ‘people who do really good stuff, have flaws’. To me, this seemed obvious, but when I began to reflect on what sort of person I think I am, I realised my identity was not as clear-cut. For much of my adult life, I’ve been wrapped up in the notion that I need to be and want to be ‘a good person’. The definition of this was connected to kindness, empathy and acting in a way that valued and cared about others. However, when I began to reflect on this, I realised this was a ridiculous identity I’d forged for myself with no recognition of any of my flaws, or at least that my flaws could be part of my identity and they didn’t need to be removed.

So, in an attempt at trying to see myself in a more three-dimensional way, here is me admitting to what my biggest flaws are.

I’m the most intolerant person when it comes to any form of noise: babies crying, tinny music on the tube, you name it. I’m irritated by it.

I have a terrible way of dealing with conflict which involves deciding not to deal with something and walking away from it, rather than voicing how I feel. Often when I eventually voice how I feel, it doesn’t come across in the way I wanted it to.

I’m overly concerned with people’s opinion of me, even when they are people who in the long term won’t have much to do with me nor have any real bearing on my life.

However, although I am often intolerant, difficult with confrontation and overly concerned about other people’s opinions, I am not defined by these things. If I created a huge pie chart of all of my characteristics, there would be so many sections, some big and some small, all little segments that make up my personality and who I am. What you wouldn’t see was one colour on that pie chart, glaring out at you with one characteristic. Kind/unkind, bad/good, selfless/selfish.

To me, what is lacking in the world is kindness and assessment of somebody’s full character and body of actions. Obama’s message is that the world has become a place where people believe that to bring about change, you have to be as judgmental as possible towards other people. However, I turn to the most instructional film of my generation to help illustrate my point, Mean Girls.

“Calling someone fat won’t make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter. Ruining someone’s life won’t make yours any better. The only thing that you can do in life is solve the problem that’s in front of you.”

Defining a person by one trait, does not make them that one trait. Defining yourself by a singular thing you did or said, does not define your identity. We are all complex, malleable, capable of change and for the most part, we want to do things to make the world a better place for ourselves and for others. Be kind.